Whether we realize it or not we all rub up against value in every decision we make, and we use that same value structure to judge the things that happen around, and to, us.

But here’s where the concept of value is an iceberg- face value vs hidden value.

Face value is the small peak that appears to be gently floating on the surface, the thing that everyone can see and where most people choose to stop looking- as diving down into that frosty water to observe what lay beneath is uncomfortable and sometimes painful.  Face value is our first line of defense and primary decision-making mechanism, and we use it often in flash judgements and decisions.

Hidden value is what lies beneath, the cards we hold at the poker table.  It encompasses the rest of, and full, value of whatever it may be.

Most of us say we want to be taken at face value, but is that really true?

Take for example someone who doesn’t realize they have something they’ve been working towards until after it’s gone (lets say a promotion that was decided in private, and then rescinded in favor of another employee, but that information got out).  At face value, they never knew they had it until after the fact, never celebrated it or shared it, so they shouldn’t be upset at learning the end balance of things has in fact not changed.  They know this, and from the outside this is what their friends/coworkers also perceive.

So why would it still be upsetting to them?

Hidden value.  Maybe what they lost was something they’d been working towards for a long time, like in our example.  In that way value was added to the potential end result through anticipation and hard work.  The longer the time, the harder the work, the more value the thing had; even though it hasn’t been achieved yet.  In this case the event would then be the loss of a year, not a moment, to that person.

As that person, or their coworker or friend, you then have a choice.  Do you first look for, and then acknowledge the real pain hidden value can cause?  Do you don the arctic drysuit, or do you snorkel at the surface?

It depends.  I thoroughly believe we must all know and understand the hidden value we personally hold in things/people/events/ideas before we can even come close to asking or desiring others to see it.  And, we can never levy the expectation on someone else to take the dive even if we have, which in interpersonal relationships can be a hard pill to swallow sometimes.

I also believe this is one of the big reasons men and women often don’t see eye-to-eye.

When we as women say “he should just know these things, why doesn’t he pay attention” etc etc, what we really want is for men to see the hidden value we’ve placed on whatever it is.

These hidden values may be rooted very deeply, perhaps even from events in our childhood (heh that’s a great blog idea.. how Disney screwed mankind as we know it).

However, the deeper the root of the hidden value, the less we want to talk about and acknowledge it, because that’s both emotionally taxing and scary, and well, also time-consuming.

Which is why we don’t often say “Hi honey.  This is what this one things actually means to me.  Please now make an educated decision on your next action.”  If that always happened, we would be converting hidden value into face value constantly, and that takes a deep understanding of the self to do on a regular basis.  Which is again, emotionally taxing, stressful, and time-consuming.

Icebergs aren’t necessarily a bad thing, sometimes they allow us to function.

Is this to say men are devoid of hidden value?  Not at all.  In fact, I’d say theirs runs deeper most of the time (think Vulcans vs Humans here).  Why there is a disparity between the two sexes on this point is, well shit, an idea I don’t believe has yet been explained despite many, many tries.  I have several theories, from this being hard-wired as a necessity in men to carry out the roll of a protector, to the idea that women are actually not more “in touch” with their feelings, they are just more willing to acknowledge hidden value.  Would that be a necessity for child-rearing?  Just an idea.

What I do know, though, is that there is a middle ground for the people you care about.

You don’t have to dive to the bottom of the iceberg to sense it’s probably there, and you don’t have to know it’s crevices and mass in detail to acknowledge it.

Most of the time, all people (men and women alike) really want is the tip of the hat that the other person hasn’t stopped in the safety-zone of face value, and the recognition that there is something underneath.  They don’t need to know what it is- and frankly, most of the time we don’t actually want to go into detail or dive down there ourselves.

Lets go back to our person who found out after the fact that the promotion they’d worked towards for a long time had been taken away.  What do you say to them?  “Relax, you’ve got it in the bag next time” or something like that, or do you acknowledge the hidden value you can sense was there?

No one choice is more correct than the other, but whatever you choose- do it on purpose and with intention.  Every time.

Do you truly want to be taken at face value?  Know that decision means never expecting anyone to go diving, unless you decide to merge your own hidden value with face value.

My gut tells me the closer those two things are in a person, the better off they are.

And that they’re probably alcoholics 😉

(Yes, Mom and Dad (x2) we are still happily married, I just occasionally enjoy delving into topics like this.  It’s not always only about food…  there is another 1% to the world.  Or so I’ve been told.)