It’s been a year and some since my last post.  I had a kiddo, and interestingly enough that changes what you observe about the people around you.  No, this isn’t going to morph into a mommy blog, however my experiences over the past few years have highlighted many different approaches, and fears, when it comes to cooking.

A rather poignant one occurred during the two years we just spent in S. Korea, where we were lucky enough to reside smack in the middle of Seoul (an absolutely stunning city).  Our housing location in the city was couldn’t have been better, as we were able access the extensive subway network at the drop of a hat…but there was a price for the awesome.

We lived in something similar to an apartment/townhouse, where you had to go outside to access the dumpster, your car, basically everything; and all of your neighbors did too.  For an introvert (who wholly enjoys being an introvert), this was a pretty large challenge as there was always someone outside doing something.

It took a while, but when finally decided to on put my big girl panties and got past my irritation at being forced into continual daily conversations, what I heard piqued my interest.  Frustration, and pressure.

One of the most common topics?  Dinner.  Of course.  But not in ways you’d think.  Most of it was guilt and avoidance, or using humor to cover guilt.  I met very, very few people who had the courage to classify themselves as a good cook- and when they did they most often took the tack of speaking about it only when specifically questioned.  

It was silently yet prominently verboten to swap a recipe or speak about something you were doing in the kitchen that didn’t involve saving time or finding shortcuts.  If someone was trying something complicated, it was most often presented in a self-depreciating manor.

The baseline rule seemed to be: You shall not say anything about cooking or food that could potentially make someone feel bad about themselves.

So if it’s that complicated, why talk about it at all?  Why did it keep coming up, but then we had to dance around the topic?  What were people looking for?

Validation.

Validation that it’s ok to not be a great cook.

Validation that it’s ok to not like to cook.

Validation that it’s ok to be lazy, to order out frequently, to cut corners.

But mostly, validation for not having the confidence we feel like we should have to do something as “simple” as putting dinner on the table.

Not all of those are great, but they’re real.  So here’s a thought, and I hope it will release some pressure.  We didn’t grow up with traditional dishes in our society, passed down though generations (there are a few family-specific ones, but I’m looking at a macro scale here).

In other cultures, especially Asia, they mostly eat one genre of food.  You learn to cook these foods at a young age, or if you don’t learn you’re exposed to the same foods consistently to the point you know some of the process, building confidence in of itself.

Have you ever noticed famous Chefs, restaurants, etc, all have a genre?  Name a TV Chef and you can probably also name what type of food they’re known for.  Cooking is a broad category that encompasses many potential sub categories, and even the famed and talented narrow it down so they can build skill depth.

However, we put pressure on ourselves as home cooks to be good at cooking in all categories because our society doesn’t have a specific genre we focus on.  Italian one night, Indian the next, then maybe Mexican?  Thai?  Chinese?  French (classic)?  The magnifying glass is on us to consistently produce variety and have it all taste great, even though some of these cuisines require significant experience to do well.  

Our culture is a melting pot, and that expectation has carried over into the kitchen.  It causes cooking gridlock, and fear, because it’s too much for the lack of training we now receive in the home.  No wonder we order out- even knowing what to get at the store to make certain Thai or Turkish or Ethiopian dishes is daunting, but damn it tastes good and our pallets demand variety.

It’s ok to not be a “good cook,” but ask yourself why you think that.  Do you have a genre you enjoy or can readily cook in without a recipe?  Perhaps two?  Is the self depreciation because you can’t cook well in every genre of food you try?

Guess what, neither can I.  Neither can most of us, even the famous michelin star us’s.  But what I have learned, and can control, is this:

Self deprecation is not ok, public or privately.

It is ok to be proud of cooking well, and even more so in a specific genre.

It’s ok to make mistakes, even big ones, but it’s not ok to not try again armed with your new knowledge.

Most of all, just release the pressure on yourself and those around you.

This doesn’t mean stop trying, it means stop treating yourself like a failure and set realistic expectations.  If you like variety on your table, pick a genre and work on it for six months, maybe once or twice a week, and build a skill base.

We have to shove the fear and guilt out of our minds before we can make any real progress- and if you mess up a dish, who cares?  There’s always Chinese.

Hopefully someday it will be Chinese that you made and then pull out of your own freezer.

This isn’t a piece on people making more time in the kitchen, or cooking better food, or speaking about skill levels.  We are all pressed for time, especially parents, and it’s hard to self-teach cooking considering most of our generation didn’t have the lessons passed down.  What I’m looking to do here is peak behind the curtain of social interactions- how we publicly approach talking about cooking, and how that affects what we do, and how we feel, in the kitchen.