As a species we love to judge, and we’re masters at it.  People that “don’t judge” have merely learned to a) initially keep their mouths shut and eventually to b) use judgement positively to their own advantage; whether it be to discern a course of action in a situation, identify friend from foe, and/or recognize internal course corrections that need to be made with personal ideologies.  Stoking individual growth.

In fact, judgement is a fantastic springboard to critical thinking- we just forget these days to ask ourselves why.  Why am I so emotionally moved by someone else’s actions when neither the action nor the outcome affect me?

The answer is that that action or opinion, though not directed at you, has created a subconscious internal conflict, and your brain is now struggling to bring it to the surface for your review.  To ask, is your opinion on that matter still correct or does it need tweaking?

This internal conflict makes us agitated, mainly because potentially finding out we’ve been wrong can be scary.  No one wants to think they’ve wasted time believing something that then proves to be false, even though the lesson and journey that go with it are oftentimes more important than the opinion itself.

Belief is necessary for building the foundations by which we approach life… however sometimes being staunchly rooted in rigid beliefs, without review, can keep us standing still; a lesson in life, parenting, and cooking I’ve learned the hard way. 

And those roots can go deep.

After culinary school, over a slow progression of four+ years my husband and I now make pretty much everything we eat from scratch; from stocks to breads (he’s a stunningly talented baker), and all of our daughter’s food- both now and when she was a baby.

This isn’t super granola mom craziness, it’s simply borne out of an intense passion for food: it’s how we love to eat and feel, and what I love to do.  I’m/we’re happy to bring our daughter into that as well- at least if we mess everything else up she’ll have one solid life skill to lean on eh?

But I’m starting to realize that passionate belief can keep us rooted too, and if I’m being transparent here, has over her past few years of existence.  An experience over Christmas highlighted that internal conflict for me, and clued me in that my beliefs might need an internal course correction.

We were very lucky to spend the holiday with my husband’s parents and sister’s family, an experience that meant a lot to me as we were out of the country for my daughter’s first two years of life, and I wanted her to share in holidays and togetherness- with all six adults and four children that side of our family boasts, under one roof.  It was a fantastic time of joy and laughter, and a memory I’ll cherish.

I also found myself in the kitchen a lot, and often do when we visit most places.  And why not?  It’s a place I enjoy, and I feel like putting that skill set to use is my way of contributing and being able to provide something for people I deeply love and respect.  It just feels good to give back, and doubly so when doing something I revel in.

However I also noticed this time that meant missing family time with people I love and don’t get to see often, and with my daughter during a special holiday.  I felt torn, and sensing the internal conflict rise inside of me (and after copious amounts of wine) I set to judging my actions and beliefs.  Did I gravitate towards the kitchen only to contribute (like I told myself), or was there something else?  

The only way to solve internal conflict is to nail it down to the root, which is oftentimes painful.

Yes I very much enjoy using my skills, it gives me a sense of purpose and pride.  However, and is difficult to write and put out there, I also like controlling what’s in the food we eat and how it’s made… that’s the silent part of the equation.  I have become so rooted in making everything, of being proud of what we make, the work we put in, the skills we build, and how it seems to benefit us and our daughter, that I’d rather control the process than spend time with my loved ones.

Wait, what?  No that statement doesn’t ring true, deep down I really want to share time with the people I love.  But that’s what was happening, and there’s the conflict- control the process or let go and gain something else.  What was I going to teach my daughter was more important?

The answer was acknowledging I had, and will always have, this conflict, and from now on to look at each situation and decide which was the better course of action.  In this case, looking back, family time should have won more than it did.

It’s very good to be proud of what you can contribute, but it can be blinding if you don’t keep it in check.  That’s not to say it should be one or the other, chose now!!  No, in this case it’s striking a balance between the joy of contributing a skill and letting go to enjoy other things/people I love.

The truth is my family wouldn’t have felt slighted, and my daughter wouldn’t have withered away and died, if I’d stepped away from the kitchen; in fact, there are some very, very skilled and experienced cooks in our family… but if I’d stepped away the whole time I would have felt empty.

The thing that has always, always been most important to me is breaking bread with the people I love and cherish, not where the bread came from.  Deep in my soul that’s how I’ve always felt, that’s how strongly food can form a bond between people, but I don’t think I reflect that on the surface- yet another stinging realization from this springboard.

It’s a hard internal course correction to admit, to myself and out loud.  But it’s also a good example of where judgement can take us when used well; it allows us to find the value in our decisions, and ultimately our lives and relationships.