So I love to cook with my kid; we have a blast and I enjoy sharing that time with her while also being productive (making a meal).

You may now be thinking… well sure you do, you like to cook.  That’s true, I do.  But know that just because I enjoy cooking doesn’t mean I’ve mastered it; in fact I often have no idea what I’m doing.  It’s just that I’m not scared of that feeling.  What may come off as the presence of confidence is really just a lack of fear– it’s a subtle but very important difference, and essential to mentoring cooking kiddos.

I’ve had parents approach me and ask if I can teach their kids to cook; not because they don’t like to (even though that’s usually the outward reason presented), but because deep down they’re scared they’re not good enough or won’t know how to do it themselves.

Can’t blame ’em.  The kitchen is unlike any other place in our homes because the potential dangers are very in-your-face there.  Unlike bike riding where the hypothetical risk of falling exists, in the kitchen you can actually see sharp knives and flames.

Oh yay!  Death and maiming for all to witness!  This of course puts a lot of people off, and so we drill it into our kids (and ourselves) that the kitchen equals DANGER DANGER DANGER Will Robinson!!

Well geeze if someone drilled that sentiment into you when you were a kid, when is the magical time it becomes not dangerous?  Poof!  When are you suddenly comfortable there?  Probably never.  Which is kinda sad, since being in the kitchen is no different than walking down the street– where you could potentially trip on a sidewalk and bang your head into a brick wall at any moment.

Let’s cut the crap and give this room the equality it deserves.  Just because it looks different doesn’t mean it’s any more, or less, dangerous than everyday life.

So when parents ask me to teach their kids to cook, I usually say no.  I realize that sounds harsh, but it’s definitely not because I don’t want to teach them; rather it’s because getting kids comfortable in the kitchen isn’t like piano lessons or other things where the parent is somewhat detached from the event. **

Cooking with kiddos both young and old is much more about us and not so much about them, so I usually say no because if the parent isn’t on board the kid won’t be either.

Now what I do offer up instead is to teach the parent how to, or how to enhance, their own cooking skills and confidence, and then offer some ground rules to follow and modify with their kiddos in the kitchen.

And I start with this, which must be done first:  Before cooking with others, look at yourself.  What kind of a cook are you?  Do you think you’re not good enough, or not super great compared to (insert nemesis here)?  Do you often say self-depreciating things about your cooking, especially in front of guests?  Do you find cooking scary, overwhelming, or approach it like a chore?

If none of those things are true, move on to the next section.

If even a little of it is true, you gotta nip that in the bud before you start cooking with a toddler or teenager– because no matter what you say they will *be* exactly what you are in the kitchen.

This place is a very -lead by example- space; if you approach it pejoratively in any way they will vibe off of that, and it will be a frustrating experience for you both.  So take some time to reset your personal approach to cooking if need be before starting with anyone else.

I say that like it’s easy.  It’s not, it’s a process just like anything else.  The first step is to be aware of it, and then combat it a little at a time.  Don’t give up.

After that, here’s the go-to list of ground rules to get your little, or not so little (this works with spouses too) people, into the kitchen:

They’ll do exactly what you do.  They’re little walking soul mirrors, especially in the kitchen.  If you’re scared, they’ll be scared.  If you’re nervous, they’ll be nervous.  If you’re confident they can do it, whatever “it” is, they will be too.  This is a hard one to master so practice practice practice!  Stop yourself from screaming BE CAREFUL!! and just relax.  Yes….

Just relaaaaaax.  They’re way more likely to hurt themselves doing the billion crazy things toddlers/teens do everyday than in the kitchen; we just get scared about the kitchen because like I said before, the dangers are more visible and remind us they’re there.  How many kitchen deaths have you read about?  It’s a safe place that like any other, just needs a few going-in rules.  Keep an even keel and try your best not to freak out or raise your voice- it will scare them and leave them not wanting to come back.

Focus on participation instead of perfection, for them and you.  One of our favorite mottos is, “There’s always Chinese,” meaning there is always a way to feed your family, so have fun cooking and don’t sweat it.  In this spirit, try not to hover, which tells them you don’t trust them.  Instead, find a cooking area where you can face each other, like an island.  My daughter and I do dueling cutting boards on our island facing each other, and she loves it.

Be firm with the hard rules (no touching hot flames, no touching raw meat), but remind them of the rules in a non-threatening way.  Instead of saying a hard and serious “no” all the time, I like to remind my 3-yr-old in a funny voice before we start something– “Soooo, do weeeee, touch raw pork with our hands?  (in a funny voice)  Nooooooooooooooooo.”  It’s a good way to review the rules but keep it positive, which is essential to them listening.

Don’t be hard on yourself or put pressure on yourself, there is no right or wrong way to cook with your kids.  I repeat, there is no right or wrong way to cook with your kids.  Or anyone for that matter.  If they can’t do what you’re doing (handle raw meat for example), just grab them some veggies to cut.  Their imaginations will take over and they’ll think of things to do, so don’t feel like you need to instruct them all the time either.  In fact they’ll have way more fun and build confidence if you don’t hover.

It’s not a class.  Laugh.  If you make a mess, giggle.  Make “dinosaurs” with carrots, have a good time.

Don’t be scared of messes (and if you start to feel tense about a mess, relax yourself, that’s what vacuums are for).  This is where a lot of parents say NO when in reality we just need to teach them to be less messy, which they can’t learn until they try.  Added bonus, they can help clean up!  Trust me, they can scoop, measure, pour, and dump better than we may think they can, so give them a chance to prove it… and the chance to improve.

Break processes up as small as possible. There are a ton of things for toddlers/teens to do even within a normal recipe, we just need to look at each step and break it up into doable pieces for them, i.e. Can you crack the eggs? Can you put the shells in the trash can?  How many shells are there?  Can you wipe up the extra egg on the counter?  Can you throw the paper towel in the trash can for me please?  You get the point.  Even the clean up processes…  can you bring the bowls to the sink?  Let them use the sink and “wash” the dishes too.

Allow yourself more time, it will always take longer to talk to and cook with your kiddo than by yourself.  If you’re pressed for time to get dinner done, it’s a good day to give them a side project while you focus on the main project, like rice in a rimmed baking sheet they can draw in but still be at the counter with you, occasionally helping you stir a pot, etc..

Not every cooking experience has to/will be a pinterest worthy event, so don’t cram something in you don’t have time for looking for the the golden selfie shot.  In fact, keep your phone out of the kitchen all together when cooking with others, it will significantly enhance your experience and outcome.

Vest them in the process.  Talk out loud, tell them every step of what you’re doing and why, and answer them honestly when they ask questions.  Always talk to them, tell them names of things like veggies and utensils, etc., and what you’re doing.  Have them get a printed recipe off the printer and bring it to you; let them choose what color plate you’ll use.  Anytime there’s a small decision let them think about it and make it.  Even, and especially, stuff you don’t care about– big spoon or little spoon?  White towel or black towel?  This is how you vest them in the process.  Soon you’ll be shocked to see they’ll do these things on their own, and take control of the process.

Be prepared to go with their answers when you ask them questions.  Don’t ask them to choose something and then go with something else (if they think you don’t care they’ll stop answering).  To prevent this, instead of asking open-ended questions give them options to chose from, allowing you control the narrative but keep them involved.

This is also a good “no” diversionary tactic; “no you can’t turn on the stove, but would you like to use the red spatula or green spatula to help me stir?”  It immediately shifts them to something positive and they don’t mind that they didn’t get to do what they’d originally asked.

Allow them to join you anytime it’s possible, even for something small that may only take a few minutes. Give them a dedicated kitchen stool, that they can freely access and drag over if they want to join.  TRAIN YOUR BRAIN TO SAY YES INSTEAD OF NO.  If the answer is no, ask yourself why?  You’ll find the reason usually doesn’t hold up.  Thirty seconds is worth it, and will keep them coming back for more.  My husband is an incredible baker and our daughter always helps him with his dough, even if it’s just turning it or kneading it for a few minutes.  She loves it, and feels like that’s part of her job now.

Give them their own knives.  No I’m not off my rocker here, we have kid’s cooking knives that she has free access to so she can choose to help if she wants.  Knives are one of the most-used items in the kitchen, and your kiddo will feel as though you’re welcoming them to participate if they have their own as well.  Also allow them to use the real thing, with you, so they know there’s nothing to fear.  We need to develop at a young age a healthy respect for the items we use in the kitchen to banish the fear they could potentially cause– this respect comes partly from usage and familiarity. 

Retrain them, and yourself, starting now.  Yes you will have to retrain your kiddo so be patient- up until now you may have marketed the kitchen as a dangerous place they need to stay out of; give them time to change their minds about it and ease into it.  And you too!  Rewards and praise work great here, and never pressure them to stay.  Let them come and go on their own terms, and you’ll find they’ll join you more often than not.

Bad mood?  Abandon ship.  If you or your kid is in a negative mood you can’t shake off, take a mulligan– it will most likely result in injury or a large mess.  Sometimes it’s just not the day, even if you or they really want to.  If you’re both not vibing together, have them go find adventure elsewhere.

So basically, just relax.  You don’t have to use kid recipes or make special preparations, just do whatever you do and cook however you cook except slower.  Talk about what you’re doing, laugh, and involve them- you’ll start to see different ways to do that after you get them in there with you.  Look them in the eye, treat them with confidence and respect instead of fear that they’ll hurt themselves, and they’ll do great.

Moreover, treat yourself with confidence and respect that you’re good enough instead of fearing you’ll mess up, and you’ll do great.

Find your own measure of success.  For me, it’s did we enjoy each other’s company?  Did we leave positively?  If the answer is yes, then I passed.

Just like Asgard is a people, not a place; cooking is a mindset, not a skill set.  The skills just come with repetition of the correct mindset.