Recently I’ve read a lot of articles (or seen a lot of them popping up) about women as the silent warriors; that we are invisible and the only people in the household that see the things that need to be done.  These articles do a very, very good job of identifying our problem sets– yes!  We plan the meals, the day, have the extra this and that on hand, see the little things like when we’re out of peanut butter and switch the toilet paper and fold the laundry, take care of aging pets, know when it’s “ladybug day” at school and find a dress, etc. etc. etc…

Yes.  We are over-tasked, that’s pretty obvious; but how did we get here, and what small things might we be doing that are contributing to that?  As much as it feels epic to take the the world is against us stance, I’m not really sure that’s entirely the case… hear me out.

To start with, I flat out refuse to believe that every single husband (or significant other) and child in every single home is a flat out asshole that thinks in their minds *yeah fuck you wife/mom, you do all the work while I sit on my mountain of joy and laziness and watch you toil and laugh at your pain!!  MuHaaahahahahahaaaa*

I know that dramatization sounds silly, but think about it– when you’re frustrated that no one seems to see the things that need to be done, what are you really thinking?  Do you truly believe the people you love, who love you, wish you ill?  I mean truly, in your heart of hearts.  Lets take a breath and a step back here, and break this down.

Challenge #1.  We don’t express what we need.  We don’t, mostly because over a millennia we’ve been trained not to.  As women, how many times have we been guilty of just expecting people to know what we want or need?  Well in an old-fashioned environment where you’re not allowed to voice what you need, what else are you supposed to do?  So I get how we got there.  Unfortunately, we’re still there, even though the environment has changed.

Before we were allowed to work and earn our own livings we had to wait, silently and patiently, for a man to save enough to support us through marriage.  So we had to wait for a marriage proposal when it could be afforded (and since we didn’t deal with money or finances, we didn’t know when that moment was going to happen).  Kinda nerve-racking.

Additionally, for a long time it was deemed inappropriate for a women to offer a strong or opposing view, so we learned to express our needs in covert and subtle ways; taking the long, patient route of laying out bread crumbs to reach our goals.  Something we do still today without realizing it.  How many times have you thought, well he/she should just know… but really, why should they know?  I mean really, why?  We’re in a rough trap here.

On the flip side, men were never trained to listen to us on equal footing and to see the things we see.  Most men, for again, millennia, have never run a house or been a significant part in raising children.  Their fathers and father’s fathers didn’t pass down this knowledge to them, so they’re going into this comparatively new living arrangement as cold as a Siberian fart in winter.

So now we’ve got one group of people who are inexperienced, and another group who’ve been trained not to express their needs (right up to the point where they explode out of us).  No wonder this isn’t going swimmingly.

Challenge #2.  We want help our way.  After all we ARE the experts, or comparatively more expert, in the areas (like the household and childrearing) that we need help with.  However there’s a difference between doing something incorrectly so it didn’t accomplish the goal, and doing something differently than we (yes I know, the experts) would have done it.  Yes the towels do look nicer tri-folded on the racks, but are they folded and hung nicely on the racks like you asked? Does it still accomplish the goal even though your mom would be horrified to see it?  (more on that later)

Something I see a lot, and that I’ve struggled with, is rejection of help when that help isn’t offered or executed in the exact way we want it… but take a step back and ask, did that help accomplish the goal?  Was something taken off our plates and done, even though it wasn’t the exact way we would have done it?  Sometimes there is a small amount of sacrifice in asking for help, but if we truly want that help (like we keep saying we do in all these articles) we need to look at the bigger picture.

Ok now, if it’s not correct (spots were missed, job was done sloppy, etc.) then by all means positive yet constructive feedback is warranted.  No you don’t get to put graham crackers in her lunchbox instead of making a sandwich because it’s faster*.  There is nothing wrong with holding to, and expecting, and not budging from, certain standards.  But if he/she made a turkey sandwich instead of the whole grain 3-cheese cut into the shape of a butterfly sandwich you envisioned, does it still check the box of a decent lunch?

Yup.  Move on.  See what I’m getting at here?  Pick your battles and accept the help.

It also aids the situation if we, calmly and positively, offer a reason why instead of just slamming someone for not doing the job correctly.  No honey, she can’t have a bag of cheese for lunch because it’ll constipate her later and she’ll be in a lot of pain (which will then interrupt our planned Netflix and chill night, get my point?).  Briefly explaining the why, nicely, in the bigger picture significantly helps the learning curve.

The bottom line here is if we undermine and snark out our help, they won’t help.

If someone only pointed out what you missed or did wrong, or went after you and “fixed” the job you did, would you help again?  That’s a nope for me.  It’s not that our families are blind, it’s that sometimes they see it and decide it’s not worth it to do because of the (our) aftermath.

We have to raise the people around us up; to make them know their assistance and time is worthwhile, and that they’re a valued part of our team.  People love to feel needed and they want to be a part of a team, to contribute.  We have to invite them, with open arms, on to that team and let them know we appreciate them instead of putting down their efforts.

Is the laundry being folded a specific way and the dishes being loaded in a special order as important as the potential for free time and taking something off our plate?  Because by saying “oh just let me do it,” or not asking at all when someone could have helped, that’s what we’re telling ourselves.

That’s what we’re choosing, to de-value our time.  Martyrdom isn’t sexy, and no one cares.  There’s no prize at the end of the tunnel for how much shit we swallowed, we’re just making more work for ourselves for zero reward.  

*fyi to his credit he’s never done that with our daughter’s lunch and wouldn’t, it was just an example.

Challenge #3.  Ditch the baggage and the ‘tude.  This one somewhat ties into the last point– how we react to help ends up being the bigger issue.

Here’s a little test.  Someone *finally* puts his shoes away when he comes in the door– is your reaction one of positive acknowledgment?  Hey!  Thanks!  I really appreciate that since I actually just vacuumed earlier.  Smile, and done.  Oooor is it more akin to, Hey finally, after 27 times you actually did what I asked you to.  See if you can manage to do it again tomorrow too.  

Guess what’s not happening tomorrow.

It probably felt temporarily good to throw that little barb there, but was it worth it in the long run?

As women, we loooove to bring up all the times someone hasn’t listened to us in the past.  Probably because for generations people haven’t been listening to us, and maybe we’re just flat out tired of it.  But now is now, times have changed and golden opportunities are now within our reach!  We’ve GOT to focus on what lies ahead instead of stewing over the things we were denied in the past.  We’ve arrived!  So now live it!!

I’ll tell you though, reacting negatively, even in the subtle differences in responses above, isn’t the way to get people to turn an open ear to us.  Are you going to continue to give attention to a person that snaps at you and points out your faults?

When someone does something for us, we need to say thank you and assess, will this work?  It’s not the way I would have done it but is it an ok way?  Does it work to check the box?  Not the box of I prefer it this way, but the box of is that item done?  Can I take it off my plate?

That was the goal, right?  Bigger picture.

Challenge #4.  Asking for Help.  I originally titled this, How to ask for Help.  Women feel like they need to project this image of strength, perhaps to prove we’re worthy of our new-found freedoms and expectations.  But prove to whom?

You are not weak if you ask for help.

You are not less-strong if you can’t do it all by yourself.

That’s a hard one to swallow; it’s an even harder one to write, because society teaches us the exact opposite.  Admitting we need help feels like walking upstream in a tsunami.

And on a smaller scale, sometimes our mothers project that on us as well…  We have much more freedom than they did even 30-40 years ago, and their mothers before them, and they want us to be all the things they couldn’t be even if they’d wanted to.  That excitement is wonderful and intoxicating and completely awesome, but it’s also a potentially heavy burden– one that’s not often seen or acknowledged.

(Don’t worry mom, we’re good.)

But as mothers now, we have to ensure we don’t pass that burden onto our own daughters.  It absolutely has to stop with us.

We have to teach them you’re stronger when you admit you can’t juggle everything, and that you need help.  We have to teach them how to ask for help, and to voice their opinions (not in an “you owe me” kind of way, just one human being sincerely asking another for help) instead of staying silent and expecting the people around them to just know what they want or need.  We have to teach them to positively guide others that may not be experienced in running a house or other areas we traditionally owned, to accomplish tasks together.

And if you don’t know how, to forge your own way with your partner instead of silently heaping it all on ourselves… assuming someone will notice and rescue us.

Challenge #5.  Clear specific tasks, not generalities.  Now that we’re asking for help, not dragging our past baggage with us, and positively bring people into our fold, we need to be clear on what we need.

Just my experience, but when you offer specifics and time frames it tends to work a lot better.  For example, hey sometime before bed could you please help me out and empty the trash?  Here you’re pointing out an issue, but still showing you respect the other person’s time by not asking for it to be done immediately when it may not need to be done right then.  This can morph into a job assignment after a few times, turning into, You know what, that’s been a huge help.  Could you be in change of emptying the trash when it’s full? 

Identify clear ownership.

This is a small example but you can see how it could be used for just about anything.  Unfortunately, a lot of the time we’ve waited and waited for someone to do something (that, if we’re being honest here, we probably didn’t tell them needed done… we were just expecting them to just see it and do it..  come on, am I right here…?), so when we finally tell them to do it we expect it done NOW because we’ve allowed ourselves to become frustrated waiting.

Well yeah we’re gonna get resistance in this situation.  First, the person probably had no idea how long we’ve been waiting for this thing to be done, so they can’t understand our immediate frustration in having to ask (reference everything we’ve been talking about above).  Second, it appears that we’re being disrespectful of their time by expecting them to drop everything and execute our task NOW.  We feel like they owe us that, but do they actually?

This is the part that’s hard for us to internally reflect on… and I realize most readers are probably a little frustrated with me at this point but stay with me here.  It’s really, really hard because all we desperately want is a break, but we HAVE to start being honest with ourselves in situations like these to actually get one.  Ask, do they owe us?  How long did they actually know there was an issue?  (Don’t start with the they should have known thing… don’t lower yourself to that trap.)

Conversely however, if the answer is a valid YES– bag ’em and tag ’em, don’t be invisible and let it slide.

Challenge #6.  Task Transference.  So a sub point to the example above, and a pit we fall into very frequently, is task transference.  I asked you to do something that has traditionally up until now, been outside of your wheelhouse.  Lets say again, emptying the trash.

Ok, for whatever reason lets say you always empty the trash.  You’re probably tired of it and can’t understand why no one else does it, so you ask your sig. other to please empty the trash.  Let’s say they’re like, yeah sure, and execute said task.

What happened in your mind:  You’re intention was probably to highlight the fact that the trash needed emptied and perhaps OTHER FRIGGIN PEOPLE should see this and actually empty it right?  Now that they’ve seen it they will now always see it and do it regularly or God help them.

Sound familiar?

What actually happened:  Sig. other was probably thinking about something else, you asked them to do something, they did it on auto-pilot (probably still thinking about whatever they were thinking about before), task was completed, move on.  Crickets chirping amidst the vast emptiness of space.

(This seems like it should be an Oatmeal-esq meme btw, at least in my twisted mind.)

See the disconnect?  We as human beings, but especially women (sorry, true) tend to transfer tasks assuming our trail of breadcrumbs (reference above) will be picked up, because that’s how we’ve always done it.

Men, partners, sig. others, need direct communication.  We ALL do.  If your intention is to transfer the task, or raise awareness, do. just. that.  Don’t assume someone else’s focus is pointed the same direction as yours, (politely) move their periscope and help them see what you see.

Challenge #7.  Willingness to let it Fail.  It feels good to be the single point of failure, it makes us feel important.  We are Captain-fucking-Marvel bitches, weep at our awesomeness.

And, it makes us feel like we need a one-way ticket to a looney bin, because at least it’s quiet there.

If you’ve sincerely (be honest with yourself) tried everything above, then stop being the shit catcher, the sacred and beloved one that holds everything together, and let it fail.

Some people just flat out need a catalyst for change.  Most of the time, being positively accepted onto a team will be enough to move them in the right direction.  Having clear direction instead of “just look around and do what needs to be done” also helps.  Giving people time to learn and succeed, also a big one.  Making sure the tasks your assigning are doable within the person’s schedule.  Check.

However, sometimes people just can’t get past knowing there is a safety net (you).  It sucks, because letting it fail will initially seem to reflect poorly on us, but keep the larger goal in mind– highlighting areas where you need help, where you’ve ask for help, and getting everyone working as a team.  If all else fails kick ’em, hard, out of the nest.

 

This may not seem like an empowering woman article, but it actually is even moreso than the articles highlighting all the issues we face, because we need to start finding solutions.

Women (as least I do) almost always need to vent before pursuing a solution, it’s just how we’re wired.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told my husband that I didn’t need his help solving my problem, I just needed to bitch for about 15 minutes or so and then I’ll go do it myself.  (God bless him now he actually asks, need help or just talking?  He’s still willing to listen either way and that’s awesome.)

Ladies, we’re done venting.  It’s time to start fixing this problem so our little girls don’t inherit it.  We’ve got too much on our plates, so stop stop stop holding them out with open arms to accept more being piled on.

Be strong.  Say no.

You are not a lesser person if you don’t do everything.  (And look at the bright side, you’ll save money on wine.)

Plus, we need to put our big girl panties on and admit that we do have a small hand in creating and fueling the challenges we face today… that it’s not all just our families and loved ones plotting against us to ensure we’re miserable and overworked.

You’re not an invisible, silent trooper.  You’re a person, with value.  Stop treating yourself so crappy.  Stop dragging yourself through the gutter.  Stop piling shit on yourself and telling yourself you deserve it because you need to prove how “strong” women are.

You wanna show everyone how strong you can be?  Ditch the baggage, and look at your family positively.  Teach them, allow them to help you with open arms.  Tell them how much you value their help and how much it means to you.  Be patient, let them learn how to help you.

Open up, let them see that you need them; that society is wrong and we all need to work together.

Take a step back from the edge and take a deep breath, cause it is fixin’ time ladies.  No more waiting for someone else to read our minds 😉  We can do this, and it definitely all starts, and ends, with us.