You know one of the things I’ve always liked about objectivism is the idea that we can’t live in conflict, and if we are what we’re really doing is avoiding seeing or making choices– perhaps because we’re aware of them and they’re hard, or perhaps because we’re unaware of them and something is nagging at us in the background.

But in the end, I do believe to achieve true peace (both inside and out) we have to resolve our internal conflicts both big and small.  Basically, confronting the fact we can’t have our cake and eat it too, and being strong enough to accept that reality and chose one.

A bit ago I wrote about how professional cooks learn to craft dishes, where our lessons are often exactly the opposite of how most people, from a nutritional standpoint, should be eating (think fat, salt, sugar).  And even though it was an interesting revelation something has been nagging at me since.

Before I get there, I should be clear that I am a “food for fuel” type of person.  That may surprise some as much of my life involves food, but there you have it.  I am actually so incredibly bothered by having to stop to eat while I’m busy doing other things I rarely warm up food out of the fridge– a fact my family and close friends will both, begrudgingly as they watch in horror, attest to.  Hunger annoys me.  It gets in the way of accomplishing other things (like cooking, ironically); and then of course there is always the slight loss of focus as my body cruelly pulls resources away from my brain to break down this fuel I’m forced to eat to keep going.  It really is a pain the ass.

So I don’t cook to eat, I cook to cook.  I love the process, all of it, and it’s deeply engrained in who I am and how I approach life.  Every animal and vegetable is different, and you have to pay attention to them to break them down and cook them properly.  Every time is a new challenge, a new puzzle box, ever so slightly different; all the while collecting information and skill, mostly through the courage of trial and error.  I’m proud of that skill.

Truth be told I’d rather spend all day crafting an incredible tasting fancy, full of different flavors and textures, and then eat a simple bowl of soup myself at the end of it.

Now I’ll make another confession.  I really enjoy helping others be healthy; sometimes to the point where I could use to take a few minutes and apply the knowledge to myself.  I love food knowledge, I love the psychology behind food and being healthy, food history, nutrition, exercise physiology, the whole lot.

And I just realized today, those two things are in pretty major conflict.  I can imagine this probably applies to many who enjoy cooking, and especially baking.

My craft doesn’t match my personal lifestyle desires.  Now how strange is that.  It really is an odd concept to wrap my head around.

And you know what else (because let’s just pile on here), homemade isn’t enough.  Homemade is better, but, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, it isn’t enough to be fully healthy… not when you’ve been trained to cook the way I cook, where the focus is on creating flavor.

Now is homemade better than processed, prepackaged, or eating out?  Yes.  100% yes.  A homemade lasagna is better than a brand that shall not be named but we all know it.

But, from a nutritional standpoint it’s still lasagna, and it still packs a punch that doesn’t necessarily tilt in our favor nutritionally even if I make those noodles with love, from scratch.  Which I do, because I love making pasta.  Lasagna day is one of the best best best kitchen days.

One could say, ok well then go work in a restaurant to satisfy that “craft itch.”  Perhaps, but the places I’d want to work in would also make their food from scratch, and as such require small tastes of each dish before they go out to make sure they’re seasoned correctly (with clean spoons every time called tasting spoons, we’re not heathens), and that isn’t necessarily great for a healthy lifestyle either.  Cooks aren’t really known for being ultra-healthy, it’s usually quite the opposite where craft completely overtakes personal care.  And on the flip-side, if I just cook to cook at home that’s wasting both food and money.

So here I am.  I never thought I’d be in a position where I’d actually have more than one deep passion, and if I did, that they would ever be polar opposites of each other.  But life sneaks up on you like that.

Is this an all-or-nothing, black and white decision?  No.  But one has to start taking a pretty large backseat to the other because I know for certain the wrong choice is living in limbo, in conflict; with both feet stuck in boats that are going different directions.

I kinda wish it were actually a cake.  I’ve never had a sweet tooth and the decision would be easy, I’d just keep the cake and perhaps share it with others.

The way I learned to cook is a part of me, and it’s incredibly fulfilling to be able to create something that has the potential to bring so much joy.  But if I’m being honest that joy can hurt people too, because from-scratch isn’t the automatic ticket to healthy… and that’s something I’m coming to terms with.  I looks like I’m going to have to create my own version of from-scratch from now on.

Most of us, at one point or another, with have a hard internal conflict like this; maybe whether to pursue a certain career or pause to raise children for example.  I wish you both the courage to acknowledge it and grit to chose what makes you happy, not what the world expects of you.